6 months in (or OUT!!!)!

This marriage is 6 months in and I honestly feel like I made the worst decision of my life marrying this man.

Is this what a new marriage is supposed to feel like?

What about the honeymoon phase? I can't recall being in the phase for even one day throughout the last 6 months.

I'm beginning to feel regret and wondering if I want to try to make it work.

I'm supposed to move to the country where he lives in a couple of weeks and i'm scared shitless thinking about it, trying to convince myself that he's worth the sacrifice.

I already quit my job, got a new lessor for my apartment and sold all my stuff, but right now, I feel like i'd rather take my chances here as a jobless person than move in with him. 

I look at our pictures and I barely recognize him, I can't remember why I chose him, it's only been SIX MONTHS and i'm L O O S I N G  I T!

What has he done to me?

What have I done to myself?

Is there a timeline for trying?

Should I wait for the 2 year mark?

I wonder if living together will make it easier..

I barely recognize the person i've become..

I'm mentally exhausted and drained by all of this..

Maybe even suicidal...

I got Married!

Yes, i'm surprised too! Just when I decided to stop writing, talking and even thinking about men, one of them comes to ask me to marry him, and I SAID YES! 

My first communication with my husband (let's call him Bob) was a Happy Birthday text which he sent to me 3 years ago via one of the social media apps. I glanced through his profile and the sapio-sexual in me knew that she wanted to get to know the person behind the profile. We exchanged a couple more messages and eventually he asked for my phone number. I remember the first video call we ever had,  Bob just wouldn't stop talking, it was like he was in an interview with a Fortune 500 company and he needed to put all his achievements forward to get the job. When I dropped the call, my first thoughts were "Damn, that guy must love the sound of his own voice", I was uninterested in pursuing a friendship.

Fast-forward to three years later we have jumped through all the hoops and made it official.

For the longest time I had wanted to get married, safe to say it's been a life-long dream. I always dreamed of having a husband who will be a better man than my father was, a man who would be around, not just to care for me but to give his kids the opportunity of having a dad that's present (something that I never had).

It's been two months now and I dare say that marriage is not bliss, rather, i'm falling into depression, wondering if I made the right choice. They say almost all newly weds go though this phase, so here I am, hoping and wishing that it's truly a phase.

Wish us luck!

New Me!

I have decided to stop writing about my relationship with men because, honestly, they are not worth the stress. I have kissed too many frogs in my short life and have now decided to stop kissing entirely, I'm sure you will agree that I have made the best decision. *inserts grinning emoji*. 

Last year, I focused on my self-development, my growth, dreams and aspirations and the goal was to resign from my shitty job and also relocate from my shitty country. I say shitty because, even though the company I used to work for was one of the biggest in its industry, the total lack of respect for their employees made it an employee's worst nightmare. My country is also known for having some of the happiest people, however, I must inform you that the people's happiness is borne out of their need to make their suffering seem mediocre and keep a much-needed smile on their faces while they suffer a.k.a. "suffering and smiling".

Through hard work, determination and divine grace my dreams became a reality in February 2021. I relocated to North America and have been 'living the dream' since then.

Hey, let's leave the past in the past!

A lot of people expressed concern after my last post, they said "you're better of without him", "you guys weren't meant to be together" and all sorts and I agreed with them. I knew I deserved better and so I closed that chapter and moved on. I decided to focus on my life, on my personal development, my goals, bla bla bla.. all the good things that follow a breakup, and it worked. My drive and my new life without a man was awesome for the next 4 months until, well the same sh*t happened yet again. But hey that was three years ago, I've grown, i've made more mistakes and i have moved on. I am in a better place now and that's all that matters. This will be a really short post because I am eager to write about my current status and all my recent adventures. I do hope you are eager to read too because, I am on a roll...

Deep breath..

I wish i'd write more, and be more consistent, I wish I wasn't such a willing slave to procrastination, I wish I wish I wish, I could go on forever..

Today i'm overwhelmed with sadness and fear of what the coming year might hold. I feel like my life has been plummeting downhill in the last couple of years and no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to catch a break. You see, sometime in 2017, I finally found love and it was the sweetest thing, he was as annoying as they come, but I figured that I could live with his excesses, plus, I come with some baggage too (everyone does), so when he started talking about us getting pregnant and having a baby, I didn't contest it. I supported his fantasy and played my role, even though we were not married and hadn't even discussed the 'M' word. I was in love and the order of events didn't matter to me, I was 101% sure that I wanted all of his tall, dark, chocolatey goodness to myself for a long time and that was enough.

Yessss! I screamed when I saw the two bold lines on the test, I loved the baby already, with every bit of me. My heart was full! I was out of the country at the time, on vacation with my best friend, Puna, and she was super psyched too, especially about the prospects of decorating the baby's room. We started planning.

How could I have known that he didn't mean it when he said he wanted a baby, how stupid was I not to double-check before letting loose and fornicating without protection. Anyone would expect that at my age and with a college degree, I'd make better decisions, alas, I was carrying a baby in my womb for a man who did not want to hear my name, who denied ever suggesting the possibility, who laughed hysterically at the news and called me a desperate whore. A man who told me explicitly to 'Get rid of that thing'.

Then love turned to sadness, anger, hate, spite ... and then, I did just what he asked.

Back and hopefully better ...

Little wonder I have no regular readers, it's been more than two years since my last post. How could a person be so inconsistent?

My life has been quite eventful, I've been thru a number of heartbreaks, I've broken hearts too, and no, I'm not married yet, I've changed jobs, changed my car, moved to a new city, started a savings plan... I've basically lived life.

My next couple of posts would summarize the last two years, and bring you up to speed on my amazing life...

Please don't give up on me stay tuned ...

Fear of the unknown..

So i know I'm talking to myself, but that's fine.. I like to do that sometimes. I'm sort of bothered though . There's this dude i met about a month ago, physically not my ideal guy, he's short (well I'm tall), he's a different tribe and he worships in a different aspect of my religion. Guess you now have an idea of my ideal man, amongst other features.. Beyond these, he's been a great guy, listening to me, absorbing all my drama, being there for me (emotionally and otherwise) bla bla bla..

He's actually an interesting guy and for some reason, he's convinced himself that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.. Don't get me wrong, I'm not anti-love, but who falls in love so fast. I used to be that way, but I've learned so much from previous mishaps. I've learned to hold back for a period so people unavoidably show their true colors.

Anyhoo.. I can't really define how I feel about this development especially because it's coming at a time when I feel my heart is unavailable. I love to love and I dream of having a fantastic family some day soon but im scared of letting emotions and anxiety becloud my judgement.

I'm scared of it all becoming too real..